Monday, February 8, 2010

First Day of Classes!!!!

This post is NOT about my first day of classes. That shit was last week, and I kicked some ass. My teachers were all, "Hey, stop sleeping in class!" and I responded "Pythagoras n' shit!" but they weren't impressed cuz I was screaming some English at them and they looked at me like I was Canadian Jesus or something. So I'm going back out to the bars tonight. Epic. I think I should probably let the public know just how I prepare for a good night out, but that list is unfortunately long, so I'll give you guys the basics.

1. Dinner
Dinner should be huge, period. Eat large quantities of red meat, starting with cured sausage and working your way through something more imposing (32 oz. of browned ground chuck should do the trick- I go for 70% lean, 30% fat to get more meat volume per weight purchased, trust me on that math). Finally, I like to chase one or two live game hens around the apartment to help keep my reflexes sharp, and then consume those raw (the feathers can be used to make dreamcatchers, a favorite hobby of mine).

2. Grooming
A typical shower won't do the trick when you go out as hard as I do, that's why I don't take one. I would recommend covering a scotch-brite pad in dish detergent and apply liberally to the entire body. The roughness of the scotch-brite pad will let your pores breath (awesome!) and the dish degergent will use its patented grease-cutting formula to ensure a clean that can only be described as wholly unsatisfying. Scent? Meadows and rain or anything citrus. A quick spray of febreeze will also get the job done.


3. Tthhee Tthhee Tthhee Party
Whatever you do, dance your ass off. Less Justin Timberlake, more Richard Simmons. Have as many drinks as you need to get there.

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